Welcome to my peace filled place. It is my pleasure to share energy with you here.
I share this personal story with you today because perhaps it will inspire you to allow for a few unguarded moments of exploring, experimenting, allowing Love to guide you to the Unknown..
My recent status on Facebook:
“I am presented with this Gift of one moment. I choose to accept this gift graciously and with gratitude. It is not for me to label, judge, or decline this moment..only to accept it and apply love and joy to it…”
along with this photo from an afternoon beach excursion with my children…
I am still on a self-directed retreat around my work schedule. This retreat is to allow for clarity, rest, peace. A transformational wave has plunged my Being into unknown. I was afraid of this particular unknown because I have to release a bit to embrace it. I do not know the specifics or the destination. As I open my heart to playing with this wave instead of resisting it.. very similar to the natural way I choose to sail..I see I am well prepared for whatever newness is ushered in. I am more of my self, even as I am less of my *self*..At this moment, All that I Know for Sure is *what is not* and in Knowing *what is not* I Feel I am embracing *what is*. My retreat is a back to basics retreat: the children and I spend many afternoons at the beach after school/work..spend long, lazy evenings together..I walk, journal, connect, practice yoga, talk with God and the Universe…and…
If I’m going to allow my heart to open to the moment, there are layers that haven’t seen light in a long time. So, I let those layers breathe in fresh air. One such layer is drumming..I love to drum! My drum is stuck in a corner of the boat, collecting dust..is that what I do with Love??..I Know it will be there steadfast and true so I stick Love in a corner while I fill my time with “stuff”…
I Know that the beauty of the sunsets touch my soul..allow my heart whispers to exuberantly express to the Universe..and one way I express my love, joy, gratitude is to drum. So, I challenge my self to drum to music from my friend’s IPOD. My friend is an excellent guitarist and his IPOD is full of guitar riffs that wrap right around my heart. He is an awesome friend because during this retreat I will allow minimal contact in my physical space, so while I will not directly interact with him, he allows me to borrow his IPOD anyway. He Knows it will be healing. It is. The first night, I take it to the beach at sunset and run laps on the beach…opens my little heart right up. I decide that every night the children and I shall go to the beach at sunset, like we used to do when we first moved onto the boat.
One of our greatest pleasures together as a family is beach play. It is a perfect transition from the responsibilities of the day and the peace of the evening. I wonder at what point this year did something in my life take precedence over the pleasures of a beach sunset together. I cannot even name what that something is. A time filler. So, I make time for evening beach sunsets…and like *that* my children and I are given the gift of time and beauty together.
Back to the IPOD and drumming…in the quiet of the night, I choose to listen to songs I hadn’t yet heard. Funny, because as I listened I realized my heart had been guarded for many months…and I came to this one song that tore at my heart. Holy sh–! tore at it like you lost your best friend…I cried. I thought..I did lose my best friend–I lost me! One year ago I had cancer and was so pleased to be in the day..when did I begin to take that gift for granted..the gift of Cancer and Awareness and Pleasure to be in this day and to create and serve and laugh and play..because I Freakin Could be Aware and Pleased and Create and Serve and Laugh and Play!!! Oh man, I cried. One year ago, I would go to sleep at night, and cry into my pillow because I had internal pain, and I wanted to Live to enjoy time with my children and create with love. And I would wake each morning with a huge “thank you!” in my heart–thank you for the gift of this one more day! I didn’t care what was in the day, I was just so glad to have the time. That gratitude was my guide.
What happened to my gratitude… buried it in layers of “have to’s” and “should’s” and I forgot about sailing and dancing and sometimes I wake and think I am so exhausted, do I have to do this yet again? before the gratitude comes flooding in. So, I bring my IPOD, and this song that tears at my heart, outside to the moon and the stars and I look. I really look. I take in the magnificence even as I listen to this song, this instrumental that tugs at my heart and makes it want to explode and I want to pray please God take me right now, right here, because this is some pain I have not felt in a long, long time. I cry some more.
I go into my boat. My little boat that is my cocoon while I transform.. my refuge, my peace. And I get out my drum. And I promise my self no matter what I feel when I drum to this song, I will drum the duration of the song. The first few notes I tentatively pick out a beat on my drum..then the guitar starts..and I weep. I find a new beat. I am literally looking outside through the window of this boat that is my dream, to this harbor I love..to the skyline…and I am finding a beat. I am more confident, though the tears consistently roll down my face, wet my shirt, blur my vision. And I think how long is this song, can I do it, shall I give up, freak this hurts, but yet..
But yet, something feels so right. I close my eyes, and I Feel it. I Feel the music, I Feel the beat, I Feel the gentle rocking motion of my boat as she rests in the slip. I Feel peace, I Feel joy, I Feel Life.
Six minutes, eighteen seconds.
And I realize: thank you God, Universe for not taking it away…because it wasn’t pain at all. I tried to label this deep feeling within my heart..my label was incorrect. When I closed my eyes and Felt it..I found it to be Love. Gentle, pure, untouched Love. And I played it to God, to the Universe. I was able to play it, because I did not quit. I did not ask someone to play it instead of me, or to hold my hand…I. Played. It.
I’m not going to share the song here. But I am going to share a gift with you.
The gift of pure, untouched Love.
I do not have to understand a moment, I do not have to apply butterflies and glitter/Light/Faith/Golden to a moment, I only have to open my heart to the moment as it is presented to me..To Feel the Gift of Life, the ultimate gift of love.
Here is my Gift of Love:
Please click this link to read an amazing article by Teresa….If I Should Die.
Please remember to celebrate the steps you do take rather than allow guilt for the ones you do not..
Please love your self, gently, kindly, unconditionally, joy fully… as fully as you choose to love others who are special to you.
And, if you look at the sunset, the moon and stars..or Light on the horizon..Know I am looking too, and we share the moment together. Thank you for sharing the moment!
Six minutes, eighteen seconds and the willingness to allow for brought Me back..
And I am most glad to be *here*!