When You Say Nothing At All…

Hi..

Welcome!

This is part of why I couldn’t write last week..I was speechless, numb.. I needed to allow my heart to sit in it and then raise my vibration to embrace gratitude and joy…

When I first moved onto my boat, there was a period of transition..to my boat and this new life..to trying to disengage from an abusive relationship…

In the midst, you moved near to my slip…refreshing…

Only a few slips down, myself and my children passed your boat multiple times a day..coming and going…

You’d come out to greet us– welcome us home, send us off…a watchful eye…

You saw everything…you didn’t judge or criticize..you often laughed at our antics..you sometimes cried at our pain..

My Guardian..

A few days ago…I woke in the morning and as I walked off the boat I looked up to the sky.  Still very dark, but clear..I saw the blanket of stars, picked out a few constellations and said thank you..thank you for this blanket of stars, for my boat, for my life on the boat under these stars..

Feeling great joy, I walked down the dock, scanning the area, giving praise..and then stopped.  A few slips from my boat is a newly empty slip..

Oh F..no no no no no no, please no…Just F it..

Your boat was there when I went to sleep, then gone this morning..you left..you f’n left..

You said you would…

I believe in empty space, I clear it and the Universe fills it…but I don’t know what to do with this one.  I don’t know how to process it.  I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t want it.

I remember when you wanted to move to another local marina, but you said you couldn’t because you couldn’t imagine leaving me or my family..what would life be like..

You had this plan to stay..far different from the life you’re used to..F it..you let fear move you so far you are now unreachable…

In a panic, I look to the stars–still shining– only now I cannot see the brightness because my very soul is leaking through my eyes..streaming down my face to bless the concrete dock where your boat once was..

In those moments, I despise my choice to open my heart, even to allow for my dream on the boat, for being crazy enough to embrace extraordinary..because it led to this moment..this moment of emptiness…

But I look back to the sky…

I know wherever you are, the night sky is beautiful to you as you sail under it to your new destination, your new home…I know when you sail you think of your previous sails on this boat and how happy I was to sail with you..how I encouraged you to go farther than you thought you could..wow…isn’t *that* the truth…

I know when you look to the stars you think of me, and of the many times I asked you to look at the sky..I know you remember standing at my dock steps and seeing a shooting star..I know you remember kayaking under the night sky… I know….

So, I ask the stars to guide you and to bless you..I do not like that you left, but I want you to be safe and to be pleased with your journey…

I do not know what to do with this hole..which has found its way to my heart..

I take one step, then another, but I am now changed..

*You* were my reflection, the best of me reflected back to me..All of my love given then bundled back and received in ways to invoke my smile as I do for everyone else, you did for me..selflessly…just because…

And people do not understand because we did not ‘date’, but you were my two R’s combined..and you were my reflection..and now there is empty space…

And if I believe in magic, I know that space will be filled..

I took my butterflies and glitter self and swirled around your bachelor world..I encouraged you to open your heart..to try new and different..to love my islands as I do…to love my hills as I do…to laugh, to smile, to enjoy the serene moments..to love as I do…to give unconditionally..to receive…

And you opened your heart farther than you meant to… and gave me what so few people are capable of..pure time and energy… solely to make my heart happy, to love on my children and myself and those in my world because you wanted to see my smile..you learned my favorites and made sure they were always within my reach, you stepped past your comfort zone to love on me, you were there..always..

You understood my children and I..individually and as a cohesive unit..what made us each tick, how similar we are rather than different, our joys, our love..We never had to ask, you just knew…we made you smile because we are so unique you cannot help but smile..and we each hold a place in your heart that you cannot numb even if you try…as you hold in ours..individually and collectively as a unit..

You were generously, quietly..There..always…

An Angel…in exactly the ways I needed exactly the moments I needed…

Your boat was our refuge in so many ways…

and if I continue to believe..

then this f’n empty slip…

and this hole in my heart…

will be full of so much magic it will overflow…

and magnify

and somehow cover the entire world..

So, I look to the stars to guide me..as you are guided to your new destination, may I then be guided to mine..

And I bless this empty slip..thank you for the fullness I experienced may you allow this space to breathe, then please fill it as you see fit..

I bless this dock..so many people have left, our little community shattered, please allow my heart to remain open and guide me to gather a new community together..to be the Light, the Love, the Joy…

So, I ask for Light…please pour it into and through my heart..allow me to grow it and share it generously…

I let my tears fall and nurture my beauty filled, peace filled garden..

And I let the hole in my heart fill with gratitude for all that you shared…

playlists, my favorite foods, live music, your shoulder, movies, books, sunsets, full moons, hikes, sails, kayaking, smiles. laughter, late night hot chocolate, debriefing, parties, sleepovers for my children, internet time, understanding, comfort, care after my surgery, new year’s, celebrations, dreams, forgiveness, rain, wind, potlucks, Willow’s…..

I have learned the power of peace..the simplicity of release and embrace..the joy of Knowing..

Love…

I don’t need to understand your journey,

to bless it..

May you find your way home..

Much peace,

Joy

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  1. #1 by Lance on October 10, 2010 - 11:21 am

    Joy,
    My heart aches for you…and for your loss.

    And at the same time, you shine such amazing light into this world. I believe very much that you have given this special someone some very deeply rich moments…moments that have touched his life forever. And as life continues on, I also believe that there is good that will come from this – for you.

    Keep believing in love, and keep sharing that beautiful light from your soul…

    Much love,
    Lance

    • #2 by unfoldingyourpathtojoy on October 10, 2010 - 6:08 pm

      Hi Lance,
      Thank you for your kind words…
      This particular neighbor’s move is tough, not only because he loved on my children and I in such a generous, custom manner..but also because we are now the last long time live aboards on our dock..we once had a vibrant, fun community..and now it is ‘just us’..
      The lesson of simplicity applies here..’just us’ is necessary for this stage of the journey we are in..and soon the empty slips around us will fill again with people purposely placed in our path..
      Walking by that empty slip numerous times a day serves as a poignant reminder to appreciate and celebrate the very moment we are in..each and every moment..
      I believe in magic..love..joy..delight..my light still shines, albeit perhaps not as brightly in these moments..but it is there welcoming those who wish to share…

      Much peace,
      Joy

  2. #3 by Brenda on October 10, 2010 - 12:34 pm

    Joy darling,

    My heart aches for your pain. Someone who changed your life and brought you joy is there and now he is gone. It sounds like he was a such a gift to you and your family.

    In the stages of grief you will be in shock and go through anger, guilt, sadness and in and out of them until you reach acceptance.

    Your light will carry you and prevail. It always does. Let your vision be always on what you value in life it it will always carry you.

    My heart is with you dear one…consider yourself hugged…and I am here for you if you need me.

    • #4 by unfoldingyourpathtojoy on October 10, 2010 - 6:13 pm

      Hi Brenda,
      Thank you!
      When I first moved on to the boat, I was not a good receiver, so to receive such a gift of friendship was refreshing, joy filled, wonder filled..and replenished my hope as I healed from so much..I am grateful indeed…
      I am familiar with the stages of grief..in my life sadness does not hit me as a big unmanageable bundle, but rather washes over me in waves..and as an avid sailor I am quite familiar with staying the course and processing each wave suitable to that wave’s dimensions..
      I value Love and Light..peace and joy…it is the foundation of my heart, of my household..
      I also know not to bury or avoid feelings of ‘less than’ but to allow them to pass over naturally as I would if wading at the ocean’s water line..
      I share this story with my friends here…because often we think grief is to be avoided and may choose to rearrange our lives to never feel it; I’d like to encourage us all to live fully and know that all is well..each and every moment..
      Thank you for the hug..I *love* it..and appreciate it dearly…
      Much peace,
      Joy

  3. #5 by Hilary on October 11, 2010 - 4:28 pm

    Hi Joy .. it always amazes me that people can just go .. and be at peace with themselves I guess – no ties.

    But to those left behind .. devastating lost .. I feel for you .. may the space heal .. may the love and light return to your soul .. it will I know .. just the darkening cloud for now, that will lift slowly as the days go by ..

    Not easy .. thinking of you .. sent with love and lots of hugs .. Hilary

    • #6 by unfoldingyourpathtojoy on October 12, 2010 - 3:45 am

      Hi Hilary,
      I may only speak for myself, but I was very aware that my friends shies away from goodbye..and that perhaps in this instance we truly shall ‘meet again’…
      Passing the empty slip numerous times a day allows me to change my perspective to gratitude for the joy, comfort, fun that myself and my children were able to experience, rather than to mourn for the loss..
      The boating lifestyle is transitory..and I chose to allow this connection to run as deeply as it did..knowing there would be an end..
      I am about growing the good and this is a huge opportunity for me to do so…
      Thank you for the love and hugs..truly..
      Much peace,
      Joy

  4. #7 by Patricia on October 11, 2010 - 7:52 pm

    Loss is so difficult – and surprise loss is so startling…

    We all know this pain…and we know the healing…Time and the stars

    Good to share and release Thank you for trusting us

    • #8 by unfoldingyourpathtojoy on October 12, 2010 - 3:46 am

      Hi Patricia,
      I would like to say thank you for trusting me to take you to such a place…I’d like All who read to feel comfortable loving fully, rather than thinking ahead to loss perhaps lessening the experience…
      Time and the stars indeed…
      Much peace,
      Joy

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