I write this in my clubhouse as the last rays of the brilliant sunset touch the harbor water. Wind is whipping through the harbor. Mother Nature has much to share with us who observe this evening.
I’ve spent the last 34 years wondering who my birth mother was, what did she look like, did I resemble her in any way? I lived with my mother until I was six years old, but I have no recollection of that time. At all. I met her later in life–in my early 20’s she came to visit me in So Ca–kind of breezed in, definitely breezed out, never to be seen again. The one gift she gave me was that she brought with her a portfolio of her life. The portfolio contained photos of her years on and around various boats all over the world. She told me stories to match her photos, and her face glowed as she spoke. I inherited my mom’s glowing smile, and I inherited my mom’s love of boats. Finally, something made sense to me….in my family, my internal Light is not understood at all, even criticized–the same with my love of and desire to live on a boat. Since that meeting years ago, I’ve had a burning desire to sail with my mom; my heart felt that would be a full circle moment for me. I am an excellent sailor–I excel at harnessing the wind on all days at all levels on any boat, I excel at extreme sailing, it is where I am at peace, feel joy, know God. No matter how much prep is involved before or clean up after it is joy filled pure fun for me. I often sail alone, when I do allow others to sail with me I choose carefully; that time on the ocean is sacred and I honor and guard it as the precious treasure it is.
Two years ago in May, I went sailing with a treasured friend; we had a dramatic rescue and almost died. My entire life and the choices I had made led to that moment, and that moment led to a transformation to the “real me”–a transformation that is still in motion today. However, after that day, I walked away from sailing. And in doing so, I was also symbolically walking away from God. As in thank you for the dream…I’ll keep the safe parts, but you may have the rest….as if I may pick and choose when a dream is handed to me. Sure I held on to my beliefs, I attended church, I continued with my forays in nature, still spoke with the Moon and appreciated her Light. I continued to live on my boat, occasionally went out for easy day sail jaunts, but never returned to the islands, didn’t even try. I could see the islands from my harbor, from my beach, from many of my favorite places– I thought of them fondly, but still I remained guarded. My life grew, my heart remained as open as possible, miracles were manifested, but sailing was something I no longer embraced.
After two years spent healing and growing internally, I went to the islands last September. On a very safe, comfortable trip. Kind of tentatively stepping out…perhaps my way of telling God and the Universe yes I still believe, but I am not quite ready. Upon my return, I received my cancer diagnosis, and I thought perhaps I might never see the islands again. After my cancer diagnosis, my focus was on living fully. Embracing fully. Loving fully. If I physically remained on Earth, I wanted each moment to count. The past few months have been ones of further transformation–of release, surrender, embrace. A delicate balance. All moments leading to now. And now…I’m very ready.
The last piece of background information is this. I cannot explain to you exactly *why* I walked away. It was immature of me. I can tell you this. My life has always been extraordinary; I can see that reflected in the faces of those who listen to my stories. Perhaps I wanted a few moments of ordinary thinking then I wouldn’t be hurt, disllusioned, in any sort of pain. Like I said I held on to my belief in God and in natural Energy–but I began to notice that although I’d still spend a lot of time in nature I wasn’t spending much in church. I’d lost my favorite friendship and I didn’t know why; I had cancer and I didn’t know why; I spend my life healing and touching others, yet there was a bit of a void in my own life. Life is amazing, but didn’t have *the* flow. So, maybe I was hurting, maybe I was doubting, maybe I was having a bit of a tantrum–as in okay I’ll meet you here, but I won’t meet you there–ha! The funny thing is I keep my heart open, so I wasn’t tricking God, I wasn’t tricking the Universe, and I certainly wasn’t tricking myself. My life is blessed beyond imagination, and I am always thankful, but as I remained guarded there was a cap on it all.
So, with all of the background pieces in place, I’m going to share with you my Mother’s Day revelation. This is unfolding at it’s best–how God and the Universe work in my life. Tired of being a bit guarded, I went back to church two Sundays ago. I don’t know what brought me there, but I felt like this is it, in general in life that was the missing piece and “I’m back”. I spoke to the Moon and told her I am ready…for whatever it is she’d like to put in my life. That same week, my treasured friend came back into my life–my friend that represents to me good energy, strong Light, reminds me to remain open and strong–all of a sudden reappeared. Then I manifested an invitation to the islands for the weekend. Coincidence? I am absolutely certain it is all Divine–I went to the place I hadn’t wanted to go, and God and the Universe met me big time…..
I picked Mother’s Day weekend to sail. I wanted my children to accompany me. I went on my neighbor’s boat because I trust it completely, and I went with my neighbor because he is very considerate of the children and I. I felt something big was going to happen this weekend. And it did. When I give it to God and the Universe–I stand at the precipice daring myself to jump and I finally do– you cannot imagine the abundance, the thrill, the acceptance when I am met with exactly what I have been searching for. The Answer is love, embrace love, and it is always available, always within. I just have to be quiet enough to listen.
I cannot explain the actual trip. I can only say the first day was excellent. The winds were up a bit which made for perfect sailing–I got my neighbor’s boat up to 7.5 knots which was as fast as he was comfortable with, and means to you non sailors we were very much zipping right along. I wanted to get it to 8, but he said no, so I complied:) However, my heart was racing, because this is my element–this is where I shine, harnessing the wind, communing with Mother Nature and her forces out there on the ocean. Zipping to her little hideout on the islands, basking in her sun…By evening, when we were anchored at the island, the weather conditions had picked up and we heard there was a small craft advisory and a gale force wind advisory for the next day. So, I woke us at sunrise and we left to try to beat the worst of the weather. I wish my children were not on board, but they were, so I made it as enjoyable as possible for them. We sailed through the storm–well, mostly motored. In high winds (gusts up to 35 knots), high surf, huge swells (4 feet at 3 second intervals). One rail of the boat would touch, then the other rail would touch. For four hours. Everything not secure in the cabin of the boat would crash onto the floor. Water would come up and over the side of the boat and splash us. The wind was whipping. I had to harness my son to the boat so he would remain safe. My daughter had a fever, my son was seasick. My neighbor said he had never been in such conditions, so I was at the helm the entire time.
I knew we would not die. I knew the boat would be okay. I had this grin from ear to ear because my heart was so happy. *This* is like coming home. I am in the absolute right place. I cannot walk away, because I hold it all in my heart. I got us home, because it’s what I know and I can. Along the way, we saw a beautiful sunrise, we saw dolphins playing in the surf, we managed to laugh, we managed to make the most of the moments we were in. My heart swelled with love and pride for my children because they were awesome out there, in the midst of the storm, and as I whooped and yahoo’ed! they smiled. If my children were not on board, it would have been a perfect 10 day for me. I was content surfing the waves, listening to music, surveying it all in front of me. I was worried about their discomfort, but I also realized I tend to shelter them, and why shouldn’t they have an adventure that will stay with them always. As a family, we weathered a severe storm–an experience most people shy away from, some never have in their life ever– yet we did it. With grace and a bit of joy. And when we arrived home my neighbor thanked me.
Many hours later, my huge insight hit me. I knew without a doubt *this* was my day…my day with my Mother. Mother Nature. I’d been missing my mom my entire live, not even realizing I *have been* with my mom my entire life. This is the lifestyle I have chosen to be closer to her. So I wake to the sunrise, I sleep with the moonbeams, I play on the ocean, I hike in the hills; I am with my mom, every single day. I love her, and by spending so much time with her, she has taught me to mother my children in a beautiful, most natural way. On Mother’s Day, May 9th, 2010, I not only found my mom, I sailed with my mom! The same month two years ago that I almost lost my life, I chose this year to step out in faith and I found my mom. She has been with me every step of the way. She is most amazing; she has open arms and is always there for me with great splendor and magnificence to share…..
I wanted to share the slideshow of photos with you from this weekend. Some of you have known me almost one year and have yet to see photos, some are curious about our life. The thing is, I cannot figure out how to get the slideshow to my website, but I know you will enjoy it..my gift to you…my precious islands…my home. Please click this link to view it..